This post has been a compilation of so many days’ thoughts together.
It has been 60 days!
I wish I could surpass this.
Have you ever lost someone so close to you in the blink of an eye? A phone call that turns your life upside down. Over my life, I was always afraid of the demise of someone close to me. And now I am in a terrible state where the grief that follows is more haunting than the death. The grief that we never experienced yet. The grief we want to jump out of.
I have lost my brother 60 days ago in an accident. For the first 50 days, I was in a denial. The denial of reality. I have gone crazy in a way I never thought about. I spend some days thinking he has gone somewhere with his friends and will be back soon. I started seeing him in the mirror, feeling like he is around me somewhere watching me going through this pain. I have even started believing that the people dead will come back. To accept the fact that he is really gone was harder.
One morning we were together joking in his kitchen and in the evening he is gone. Like gone forever!
Of all the people I have known, he was the least expected to leave. We lost him at the vibrant age of 18, with lots of dreams to fulfil and a lot many conversations unheard. I was spiralling since. For many days I felt his touch on my hand, I felt his smile on blank walls, and I felt his sound in my headphones. I was getting upset about the easiest of things. I started getting inside my own cocoon which affected my personal life, work life and everything. I started finding comfort in writing about him, rereading his text messages, hearing his voice records, and going through his photos. One day I felt better, but the next day I fell into that dangerous loop of darkness and grief. I wished harder to get out of it, but I spiralled back.
Thus two weeks back I ended up in a therapist’s room to ease this pain in my chest. The heaviness I felt every night. The tears I couldn’t control. To wipe off the feeling that no one can understand me. I haven’t started feeling better, but I feel better thinking that I have sought help.
Shafi was a precious piece of my life. One of the most precious pieces. I have always tried to find a brother in everyone I meet and I never ever tried to find one in him. Despite my belief, he turned out to be the best I ever got. He was my smiling pill. The one who constantly checks up on me. The one who constantly asks me am I okay. The one who thoroughly made me believe that I am the strongest mother and I am doing the best I can. The one who keeps telling me I am the coolest wife and bravest woman. He has that charm of making people feel lighter.
It is not the loss that suffocates me, it is the void. The gap where nobody can fit in. For days I have written about him, I wrote a eulogy, I wrote letters to him and now, after another breakdown thinking about him, I think it is time to let it go. Time to accept the fact. I came to a realization that no tears can bring him back, I can cry but I cannot forever. No sleepless nights or slumber days are gonna help me do my work or take care of my child. I have to get up to do what I have to do. I have to embrace the loss and learn to live with it. I have to get out of my cocoon and try to peep out into the world.
A lot many days I wished people who are close to me would have understood me. But now I realize everyone has their own journey, the way that we wish people understand exactly what we are going through is like being selfish. So this is to healing. The journey of healing. One step at a time. I have a huge worry of spiralling down tomorrow again like I had today. On my shittiest days, I lose control. But here is to doing better. Better than before.
You were such an amazing part of my life Shafi, and you will be forever. I wish I have hugged you tightly one last time and told you how much I loved you. How much you have made me feel the comfort and happiness. How much you have made my bad days brighter. How much I love your ‘I love you!’ text messages every night. And I end up here missing you every day but pushing myself to be happy with our memories.
Today here I am again, today the plus two results came in. If he was here, I would be telling my mom how much he scored. How he is going to do his higher studies. Few days back I lost again and missed him, I ran to his friend and talked about how much we missed him. I think that is what is left with me. That little part with me which reminds me of him. That little comfort I have in people and memories.
I am not the same since. I have come across a lot of bad days after that day. I have come across lot many people who disappointed me in a way I never imagined. I felt I am at the lowest point of my life now. And there is nothing below this. All I can see is more engulfing depth and darkness around.
Thank you to the ones who checked up on me constantly. More than condolences I had a few people genuinely ask me whether I am okay or not. The ones who asked me whether they have to come and visit me. The ones gave virtual hugs to keep me intact. More than anything my family. My parents who let me be in the grief I am in. Who understood how low I am and let me know they are there for me. My sister and niece who heard every piece of rantings I have done for the past 85 days. My husband who went up to the par to make me feel okay.
Hoping the pain will pass! Hoping the days will become better! Hoping I can smile wholeheartedly again!