I have found this written in my notepad last November. I found it yesterday while looking for something else. I thought of not publishing it because here or there all my recent post feels the same. Yet I chose to do it because after years it would be great to read and cherish the gush of feelings.
I guess I have been in the deep dark days for a long time now. I cry at night, I tear up for the smallest things and I didn’t even recognize what is happening around me. I have the merest happiness in enjoying summer and first time in my life I am not looking forward to fall or winter. I am not even bothered about what season it is. I often think I am losing my sanity in myself. Little did I notice it is affecting the sanity of people around me.
I guess now is the time to think back. Think back and set aside the things that bother me to a corner of my mind. There is never a day that passes by without thinking about Shafi. I think I lost some of myself with that death. I lost some inner strength to handle everything with his demise. I was more of a trying person in keeping relationships and I lost a part of that too. I was more clear with the disappointments and excuses people making and I learnt to casually ignore them. I got clearly realized who and what are my muses and I started embracing it. But still, I never felt happy. I was feeling numb. It was never easier.
I have been in depression for a long time. Following the death of three of my brothers in a 5 months span, I lost a lot in the grievance. I became that person who constantly waits for death and started thinking about the consequences. I started putting myself in that situation and killing the days thinking the unwanted. May be wanted for me. I started asking my husband what you would do without me or are you ready to be alone. I think everyone goes through such panic insanity. I still have a little left in me.
So randomly on a autumn foggy day while I was walking to school to drop my kid, I looked back to the road. I just turned and I stood there looking the path I came. It felt surreal to me for a moment. The yellow orange leaves in the walkway, the fog, the trees. It is the same path I walk everyday. There is nothing new. But that is when I realize I never looked back for a long time now. I haven’t looked back and enjoyed the path I came along. It is always beautiful. Be it the memories, the happy days, the sad days. It is always beautiful. Of course there are losses. May be I will lose again in the way. But I have lost enough in this 7 months only thinking about what had happened on that dreadful day and I have missed all the small happy moments in my life.
So this is to me. Who always worries about the future. Always thinks what is going to happen. This is life. What happened is happened and what is going to happen not always matter. What matters most is today. Smile today! Live today! There is only few happiness left in the world around. Find it and embrace it. This is to me. A self note to stop overthinking and hitting anxiety. A self note to start enjoying that little hop he does on the way back from school. That good night kisses at night. That french fries all over face in the Mcdonald’s. This is to me for being the wonderful mother for the most splendid son.